Yesterday I was feeling a bit sad, sensitive, and romantic, and something started forming in my head. This is the rough draft that I wrote while my heart was feeling so overflown with feeling. Please, be kind in your comments, since this hasn't been edited yet. I am offering here a piece of my heart in the same way as it poured out.
How can I say goodbye if you are clawed in the middle of my soul? How can I forget about you if there is no room for anybody else in my heart? Pray, tell me, because I am in distress. I need you, I hate you, I want you, I reject you. I love you. That is the truth. I love you and I am too weak to let you go. I love you and there is nothing I can do to get over you.
Trapped by these feelings, I don't see any future for me. So far away, so close in my mind. What can I do to forget you? Please, tell me, I need to forget you. I need to be myself again. I need my other half of my heart back.
How can I give something that I don't possess? How can I love when I gave all my love to you? What did you do with my heart? You broke it into pieces. Where are the pieces? Help me to put my heart back together again. Please, let me go. I need to rest. I need my heart. I need my soul. Please, help me. Give me my heart back. You don't want it and I long for it. I don't remember how it feels to be warm inside.
Give me my heart back. Let's replace this pit of tears that is filling its place. Let the tears drown all thoughts of you, all feelings, all the memories. Time heals everything, or so they say. I just wish I could make time go faster.
OK, these are the words that I needed to write down yesterday. Hope you enjoyed them. Now I have to decide what I am going to do with them. Short story or include them in my novel in progress? Let's see :D
"What's wrong?" "I don't know." "Are you OK?" "I don't know." That was the only answer you could give. The truth is that you didn't know what was wrong, but you definitely knew that something was wrong. What can you do when you feel so confused? What can you do when you know that you should change things but you cannot find the strength to do it? What can you do when your feelings make you get in trouble all the time? What can you do when you don't know what to do?
Confusion all around. Confusion all the time. Confusion finding its own way till reaching the center of confusion. Feelings. Confused feelings. Confusing feelings. Feelings that make you feel miserable all the time. Feelings that you cannot understand. Feelings that seem to have a life on their own.
Losing people. Meeting new people. Renewing old feelings. Feeling things you thought were forgotten. Mixing old feelings and new feelings. All you knew was that you weren't sure about anything any longer. When your feelings are hurt, how can you know what you feel? How can you trust? How can you let yourself feel again?
Confusion. That annoying confusion you feel when you know you want to feel and you cannot feel. When you want to feel and you cannot trust your feelings. When you have feelings but you cannot trust others. Protection. You build up walls for protection. Hurt feelings need some protection. Building walls around your feelings. Not letting anyone go inside those walls.
Confusion. Suddenly you meet someone. Confusing thoughts. Confusing feelings. Getting close. Trying to get in. Confusion. You are not sure about anything, but that person is very sure. Trying to make you feel. Trying to make you understand. Trying to make you open the door. Maybe.... Maybe.... What if....? Confusion.
Realization at last. That feeling is fear. Fear of being hurt. Fear of loving. Fear of letting go. Fear of letting others care about you. Confusion? No more confusing feelings. That someone shows you that you can love. Freely love. Forgetting about the past. Forgetting about the ones who hurt you. No more walls. Now your heart is happy. Happiness in the realization. Happiness in the loss of confusion. Happiness in the acknowledgement of that feeling that fulfill you. Love. Honest love. Open love. Free love. Fearless love.
What can you do when you know that you love someone? What can you do when you realize that the someone you love is deeply in love with you? What can you do when you know what your feelings are? What can you do when you know you are in love? You forget about your confusion and you trust. You trust. You are not scared any longer. Now you know you won't be hurt. You are not confused any more.
Confusion. Realization. Don't be confused. Trust and love. You will realize you have more to win than to lose. And you won't be confused any longer.
I have always loved Jane Austen, and I think by now everybody who follows me in Twitter, Facebook, here in my blog, or know me personally know that fact :D Sometimes I daydream and I imagine I am in one of those Austen stories, being the protagonist of a lovely love story with a great happy ending. So I decided to write my own imaginary story with a special protagonist.... ME!!! LOL
I hope you like this short story I made up today. I am very glad because I think that I am improving in my writing and today I managed to write quite a huge amount of words.
Lady Cinta was wondering about the guests at the dinner party. Would she see again that attentive and shy Lord Haggener? He had requested one of the dances at the Ball organised by Mr Darcy and Lady Ethel, but unfortunately Lady Cinta had to leave before that desired moment arrived. Sighing, she looked out the window of the carriage that was taking her to Pemberley. She had been honoured with an invitation to attend a Dinner Party by Mr Darcy himself. As her carriage entered the beautiful grounds of Pemberley, her excitement reached a very high point.
A very elegant footman rushed to help Lady Cinta alight from her carriage, and she tried to step out of the carriage graciously, without tripping over the train of her brand new evening gown. Lady Cinta's rosy cheeks claimed that she was very nervous, and she was also feeling a bit shy. As a foreigner in this country and a new inhabitant of this delightful part of Derbyshire, she knew that many people would turn their heads to observe her when she entered the room. Anyway, Lady Cinta was decided to have fun and enjoy the evening, and she wasn't going to let anybody to put clouds in her sunny thoughts.
Another footman led Lady Cinta to the very doors of the big room where the guests were enjoying themselves. In her way to that room, Lady Cinta couldn't help gasping at the magnificence of Pemberley and the elegance of the furniture. When the footman opened the door for her, she was welcomed by the sight of happy ladies and gentlemen, all of them dressed in their best garments. Lady Cinta was glad of having had the happy idea of buying a new evening gown. “My warmest welcome to you, my dear Lady Cinta. It is delightful to have the honour of your presence here.” Lady Cinta's musings were interrupted by the booming, manly voice of the owner of Pemberley, Mr Darcy himself, who had hurried to greet Lady Cinta as soon as she entered the room.
“My dear Mr Darcy, I feel most humbled to have been invited to join such a distinguished party, with such lively company,” answered Lady Cinta.
“Alas, I wouldn't have missed the delight of your company tonight. I like to see my gardens decorated by lovely flowers,” said Mr Darcy with a smile, while bowing in a very elegant fashion. Lady Cinta thought that Mr Darcy was such a charmer. After all, as the host of the party, it was his duty to make the guests feel comfortable. Lady Cinta was very thankful because, after this short interchange of compliments, she felt less shy and more at ease. More guests were arriving, so Mr Darcy left Lady Cinta's company to go and greet them, and she decided to wander through the room, watching the rest of the guests.
Walking through the room in slow motion, curtseying sometimes when recognising some acquaintance of her, she saw Lady Dawn at the other side of the huge room. Lady Dawn was one of her dearest friends in the region since her arrival, so she rushed herself to join her and have some chat about the rest of the guests. Lady Cinta was curious about hearing her impressions after their attendance to the Ball planned by Mr Darcy and Lady Ethel.
When Lady Cinta was getting closer to Lady Dawn, she could see she wasn't alone. Lady Cinta stopped when she recognised that other lady. It was some Lady Emily, a local gossiper, and they were talking in whispers, being very secretive while pacing back and forth holding arms. Lady Cinta decided it would be better to play the invisible woman and try to discover from a certain distance what they were up to.
Lady Cinta couldn't help but stop to talk to some ladies who addressed her to know about her impressions on the neighbourhood. She also saw Lord Haggener, and her rosy cheeks went even more crimson-like. She reminded his kind words at the ball and his sad face when she expressed her needing to go back to her house. “Oh, I have missed the opportunity of dancing with the freshest rose in this room,” were his words. Those words made her night, and she had been thinking of him since that night. Today, she had been hoping she could see him at the dinner party. And here he was. He was talking to a certain Lady Belle. Lady Cinta didn't like Lady Belle, since this lady had been quite disdainful to her after being introduced. Lady Cinta decided she wasn't going to try to be her friend.
At that very moment, Lord Haggener turned around and saw Lady Cinta, who just realised she had been staring at him. She withdrew her eyes from him, but while doing that she could see the wide smile forming in Lord Haggener's sweet face, and her heart skipped a beat. He said a few words to Lady Belle and, with a polite bow, he left her side to walk towards Lady Cinta. “Why Lady Cinta, I have been hoping all this time I could be honoured today with the pleasure of your presence,” said Lord Haggener, mildly blushing. Lady Cinta looked into his peaceful green eyes and answered, “My Lord Haggener, it is a real pleasure to see you here. I truly hope we have the opportunity of dancing today. Maybe some lively couples would persuade our host to have a little dance after dinner.”
Lord Haggener was beaming, and he was going to say something when two things happened at the same time. “Lord Balfore of Winchester,” announced Mr Darcy. At her right side, she could see Lady Dawn and Lady Emily rushing forward to have a better look of this gentleman. “Indeed! This must be the gentleman Lady Dawn has been talking about. He really has very fine features and a noble countenance,” thought Lady Cinta. “Are you feeling fine, Lady Cinta? You look flushed,” said Lord Haggener. “Oh, Lord Haggener, I beg your pardon. I was lost in some thoughts,” apologised Lady Cinta. “It looks as if you are acquainted with that Lord Balfore,” asked Lord Haggener with a questioning look. “Oh, no, I have never seen that gentleman before,” said Lady Cinta, hastily. Was it relief what she could see in Lord Haggener's eyes? She thought that this was going to be a delightful evening, and maybe the beginning of something else. Lord Haggener was a gentleman of perfect and sweet manners, and she could feel jealous eyes upon her. That thought made her smile and Lord Haggener, in seeing that smile, felt inclined to say, “My dear Lady Cinta, may I ask the honour of leading you to the dinner table? It would be my pleasure to accompany you along the evening,” finished Lord Haggener, deeply blushing this time. “I feel most flattered and I will be the happiest person in this room if I can enjoy the pleasure of your company,” said Lady Cinta. “But now I need to find my friend. I will be delighted to be accompanied by you to the dinner table.” And with that, she curtsied graciously and he bowed with the promise of looking for her at the moment of going to the dining room. With that happy prospect, Lady Cinta resumed her pacing along the room to try and find Lady Dawn. She would try to talk to her about Lord Balfore, hopefully without the presence of Lady Emily.
Peeping through a group of people, who were lively talking about some amusing event, if you had to trust their laughs, Lady Cinta could see Lady Dawn and Lady Emily next to one of the bay windows, and she started walking that way. When she was almost there, she could see Mr Darcy and Lord Balfore approaching Lady Dawn. Lady Cinta stopped and saw Lady Emily retreating silently to one side. She understood that Mr Darcy was introducing Lord Balfore to Lady Dawn, and she could see her friend blushing, and looking quite pleased after listening to his words. With a bow and a curtsey, Mr Darcy and Lord Balfore left Lady Dawn, who was looking like the happiest person on earth, and she got closer to her. “Well, well, Lady Dawn, it seems that you finally found your knight in the shining armour,” said Lady Cinta while throwing an icy glance to Lady Emily, who stood away from them.
“Oh, dear Lady Cinta, I am so happy. Yes, it is him, the very gentleman who helped me when I fell from my horse some days ago. He is quite the gentleman, and he remembered me! Oh my, I am overexcited,” said Lady Dawn, fanning herself energically. “Come, come, my dear, you should calm down. People is looking at you. But don't worry, I am sure this gentleman is as interested in yourself as you are in him.”
“How can you be so sure, Lady Cinta?” asked Lady Dawn. “Well, one of the good things of being an invisible woman in a crowd is that you have a lot of chances of observing others. Since he entered the room and was introduced to you, he has eyes only for yourself. He talks to other ladies, but his eyes are constantly searching the room and finally resting on you,” said Lady Cinta with a knowing smile. At that moment Lady Emily made a movement to join them, so Lady Cinta wished Lady Dawn good luck for the evening and, with a wink, left to go on wandering around the room. She didn't go far though, since Lord Haggener was eagerly looking for her. “My dear Lady Cinta, I find no pleasure in conversing with any other person in this room but you. Forgive me, but I wish to stay by your side all this evening,” said Lord Haggener in a deep, low voice. “Believe me when I say that I have you in the highest esteem and the pleasure of talking to you cannot be compared to anything else on this earth.” Lady Cinta was completely flattered and the blush in her cheeks was attracting some glances by other guests. “Why, my dear Lord Haggener, upon my soul your words are very flattering, and indeed I cannot deny that I also experience a great pleasure just by enjoying your company. It is my wish too that you spend this evening with me,” said Lady Cinta, blushing all shades of red.
Lord Haggener led Lady Cinta to a nearby chaise-longue, where they sat to converse and enjoy of their mutual company. “It seems that Lord Balfore is getting very well acquainted to your friend, Lady Dawn. He is really paying a lot of attention to her,” said Lord Haggener after a while. “Oh, yes, I have also noticed that. They are spending quite a lot of time together, and we must admit that lots of other ladies are throwing killing glances her way,” added Lady Cinta, giggling. Lord Haggener laughed with her, and so the evening was spent in the most delightful company both of them could imagine.
Later that evening, while leaving Pemberley, Lady Cinta could talk for a while to Lady Dawn while they were waiting for their carriages to arrive and pick them up. “I assume you had a delightful evening, my dear Lady Dawn. I can see by the expression in your face that you are feeling very happy.” “Oh yes, Lady Cinta, Lord Balfore is perfect in every way. He expressed his admiration and his wish to see me again. He will be visiting me shortly,” said Lady Dawn with a happy smile. “Oh, that is wonderful news, Lady Dawn! I am very happy for you.”
Once in the comfort of her carriage, Lady Cinta couldn't help thinking that she also wanted a happy story with a happy ending with Lord Haggener. With a contented smile, Lady Cinta rested her head back in her seat and closed her eyes to recollect the wonderful events she lived in Pemberley.
As many of you know, I write short stories. Because I like writing. Because I need to write. Because one day without writing a single word makes me feel frustrated. At this moment I am writing on four short stories, and I hope I can finish them along this next week. By looking through my notebooks and notes, I found a little excerpt I wrote some time ago to be included in one of my stories. It was a little text I wrote some months ago after waking up. I had been dreaming about a very special person, and when I woke up the words were in my mind. I took the notebook I always keep on my bedside table and wrote them down. I had forgotten about them till today. I hope you like them.
Waking up in the morning. Waiting for the familiar sound. Mixed feelings. That ticklish sensation in my skin. Impatience... Eagerness... Waiting. Waiting. Those moments when you wish you could connect with a different mind. A different mind? Two people sharing a same soul, do they have different minds? It strikes you like a thunder. Knowing that you are one with another person. One soul in two bodies. So close and so far at the same time. Missing... Missing him so much. Love. Consuming love that eats your old being up. Our lover changes us. The way he looks at me, thinks of me, touches me, loves me, kisses me... All of that changes me. Being a slave for love? Not at all. Breaking down walls. Letting him in. Building a new wall. We are finally one. Our hearts touching each other. Now I am rest. Now I can relax. Now I am happy. I love you so much.
My idea is to develop this into a short story. Please, leave feedback. I would like to know what you think about my little musings.
Sad. Alone. Upset. Disappointed. Angry. Confused. Scared. Everybody has felt like that before at some point in their lives. What if you feel all that in a single day? What if you wake up one day and everything is working against you? What if everyone agrees one day in upsetting you in any way? Even the brightest day can look dark to you. You don't understand a thing and the only thing that you feel like doing is running to your bedroom, hide under the covers and cry yourself till you fall asleep. Today is one of those days for me. I really cannot wait for the time to go to bed and disappear for some hours.
Sadness. Tears that want to come out endlessly, like the waters of a river when meeting a waterfall. Confusion. Thoughts running wild all over your mind, messing around, making you think stupid things, making you think wrong from others, making you feel even more miserable. Anger. People who think that they know you and judge you without bothering in getting to know you better. Loneliness. That awful feeling of knowing that you are alone, that nobody understands you, and that you are going to be alone still for a long time.
Fear. That scary feeling when you think you have upset someone. So scary when you think you can lose that person. You feel bad and you cannot stop calling yourself "stupid, stupid, stupid". Misunderstandings. Those misunderstandings that appear when you are far away from the people you care. Not knowing. I hate the feeling of not knowing. Ignorance. When people ignore me I feel worse than when they slap me. If you really want to hurt someone, just ignore that person. Being ignored is an awful feeling.
Overwhelming feelings that make me feel miserable. Awful feelings that don't let me smile. Stupid feelings that make me feel it is very dark even under a blazing sun.